...and who’s idea was it to call it Self Help anyway?
If you are inclined towards any sort of ‘self-improvement’ or ‘best life’ ideologies then chances are you, like me, have read, listened to and studied a fair amount of content.
My particular journey when it comes to this area (I am going to call it ‘Self Improvement’ for reasons that will become clearer) started with the ‘OG’ in this space – Mr. Anthony Robbins. That’s Tony Robbins in case there’s any doubt…(For 'OG' ask your kids)
Roughly 20 years ago I started to become interested in the self-improvement mantra’s, prompted somewhat when one of my best friends attended a Tony Robbins live event and raved about it. I couldn’t quite bring myself to commit to a live event at that time, so I did what I thought would be the next best thing and purchased a CD box set called ‘Get the Edge’ A seven day program to transform your life.
And do you know what?
Well it didn’t happen right there and then, it would take a few years before I really started to see the benefits but without question, the ideas and tools that Tony introduced me to created a spark that set me on a path that ultimately led me to where I am today - and this is the central point of this particular article, along with a few other observations that I hope will help you wherever you happen to be on this journey.
As I became more interested in this type of work, I happened to mention it in passing to a friend of ours who is a practising child psychologist. That’s when I experienced my first real dose of ‘self-help shaming’! I got that patronizing smiley look as she explained to me that this sort of content was basically a load of crap – snake oil etc and so on…
I suddenly felt a ringing doubt, like I just got coaxed into a pyramid scheme or something... “ahh shoot – I was really into this but am I just being a gullible idiot, is this all a con, do I look like a fool?”
Fortunately, I wasn’t totally put off, knocked yes, ego dented absolutely but not out.
At that time, I wasn’t in any way wealthy and I hadn’t got my career, health or peace of mind to a place that I wanted it all to be. I didn’t feel successful, I was essentially at the foot of this journey and I was looking forward with a mix of excitement and uncertainty ‘could this really all happen to me?’
I decided there and then that I would commit. I would absorb all the content I could find and I would follow the prevailing wisdom. I decided to change my life and I figured I would do it by following the doctrine of self-help.
One of my favourite book stores in the USA is Barnes and Noble. It’s an emporium of books with an in-house Starbucks and an all you can eat smorgasbord of topics. You can wander the isles and find books on almost any subject, one of which is of course the ‘Self Help’ section. Here in the UK we have stores like Waterstones - pretty good also!
Now, here I get to yet another speed bump on this road to personal enlightenment. Am I the only person who feels that this descriptor shouts ‘loser’? “Steve -Isle 3 quickly, there’s a self help case that clearly needs some assistance.” #tragic…
I always feel more than a little self-conscious in this section, akin to my teenage years browsing the local news stand and those furtive glances towards the top shelf! Why do we feel like saddo’s if we are caught thumbing the publications in this section? To be clear, I am referring to the self-help section now, not the top shelf publications. I will leave the latter to find its natural place within your own personal proclivities – not judging ;-))
Paradoxically, the answer is linked to the driving force that draws us to this content in the first place. If we didn’t feel like something needed fixing, we wouldn’t be here right! Vulnerability and Shame are the birth place of creativity Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)
It is odd how we regard mental and perhaps spiritual work in contrast to how we might think about physical health. I don’t know of anyone who feels ashamed when it comes to physical fitness material (unless perhaps it is that sort that occupies the top shelf… I must move on from that!). Hence, I would rather refer to the self-help genre as self-improvement. The latter is a better description of the journey, whereas the former (to me at least) seems to perpetuate the issues we want to solve.
All that said. If you are prepared to commit to becoming the person you want to be, the person you believe will give you the fulfilment, peace of mind, confidence, wealth, health etc and so on, then this genre is invaluable.
My advice is to embrace the content. Follow your nose and allow yourself to indulge in the subjects that attract you. There are some amazing podcasts such as the Tim Ferris show and The Mel Robbins Podcast as well as tonnes of online content, books and courses.
However, never (and I mean never) assume that any one book, guru, podcast or course will solve it all. The answer to a fulfilled and happy life is to do the work, read the content and find your own cadence. Also, you must allow room for the human experience.
In my opinion there are too many self-improvement ideologies that promote the need for constant and never ending improvement. That’s not necessarily the case, although there may be periods where you feel you need to hold yourself to this high standard. I would say I had a few years in this mode while growing my software company but it's not a forever 'MO' for sure.
There needs to be more time spent doing the living than there is spent preparing for or reading how to do the living. Also, you should do silly things, make mistakes, let yourself down from time to time. As I say, indulge in the human experience in all it's gloriously nuanced technicolour and when you feel like things have maybe drifted and you need to get back on course, then would be the time to pick up the books or turn to an episode or two of your favourite podcast – even better – return to your Amazing Playbook!
The ‘Amazing Playbook’ (ALP) is a template that you can use to give yourself the perspective you need in terms of what great looks like for you and how best you can get there. However, even this system calls for spending more time in the doing and less time in the system itself.
So to get back to the initial question...Does Self-Help work?
The answer has to be undoubtedly and absolutely it does. James Clear says the trajectory of your life tends to bend in the direction of your habits. He is 100% right: Great Habits = Great Life, Terrible Habits or no real habits = Terrible Life or perhaps even worse... no real life!
You do need to add context however and the way that you decide to make changes will evolve. What you want now will certainly change five years from now. We are all guilty of being great at pointing out the things we are unhappy with or want more of "I want more money, I want more time, I don't like my job" but without getting more specific about why and what you want, you risk forever feeling like something is missing.
The self-improvement journey will take time. You will probably see some immediate improvements but the full benefits will evolve rather than immediately materialize as the result of a course you went on or a book you read.
My advice is don’t feel embarrassed like I did. Follow your nose, commit fully and seek out the right content for you. Be ruthlessly clear about what you want and where you want to get to. All this stuff works but it works for you when you embed it within your own framework – everyone is different.
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Here's to you and your amazing journey!